I don’t know how to pinpoint what I’m going through, but it’s definitely something hurtful.
It feels a whole lot like deceit.
Have you ever experienced someone pathologically lying to your face? Have you ever experienced finding out you’ve been pathologically lied to? It’s almost like being slapped across the face. Although I’ve never had my face slapped, I’d imagine the feeling is a heck of a lot similar.
Or like heartbreak. That gut-wrenching, sick-in-your-chest feeling. Add just a dash of anger. And there, you have a recipe for what being deceived feels like.
I went through a year of a whole lot of hurt (i.e. deaths, ending of relationships, ending of friendships), and I came out very emotionally numb. I find I have trouble crying now. I used to practically be able to tear up on cue; now I can’t even muster tears when I feel like I have a lump busting out of my throat.
I tried so hard to cry yesterday. To be in that moment, feeling the pain I felt from the deceit I experienced. Nothing.
I have a hard time fathoming how a person could lie to someone’s face. And not little white lies… Big emotional lies. How someone could string you along their fabricated chain. Why would anyone want to do that to another person?
I talked to one of my friends yesterday who told me about a pathological liar she’d had in her life. How this person lied about everything from whether she liked the coffee she’d bought at Starbucks, to fabricating a huge lie about getting pregnant, pretending the baby was her sister’s, and that her parents were taking care of it.
She told me how she doesn’t understand why some people choose to be that way, but that we have a choice in whom we surround ourselves with. “Be the change you wish to see.” I asked her, “what do you think I need to do since you are my Gandhi voice tonight?” She told me, “you need to cut the toxic people from your life. Completely. Cut them out, and never look back. And stop looking back, ’cause you always look back. You’re going to continue to be unhappy unless you learn to let go of the things that make you so unhappy.”
I blocked the horrible deceitful individual from everything I could. I did a “Facebook clean,” and “swept” about 60 people from being able to see about my life. I’m even contemplating changing my phone number, although I would be devastated since my number has such personal meaning.
Although a phone number’s just a phone number, right? I’d get over it.
I want to be thankful that this all came to surface sooner than later. But at the same time, when will this hurt end? I guess not until I choose to be the change. I still have so many “whys” swirling around my head… Why me? Why do that to someone? Why the deceit?
Why does it matter? At the end of it all, I didn’t deserve it… No one does. And since I don’t deserve to be treated so disrespectfully, why do I surround myself with people who apparently think I do?
What is your favourite way to deal when someone deeply upsets you?